Somewhere deep inside I want to hate the Zelda franchise. It’s that knee jerk reaction to people slobbering over something that really doesn’t deserve the praise.

Wait! Don’t leave yet! I actually have a point here!

Part of my issue is the Zelda games changed when they went into 3-D. A lot of the central concepts and ideas were kept, sure, but the feeling was different. Nonetheless, Ocarina of Time was still a fun game. Nintendo merely ran into a few issues with jumping and interaction that were expected of the time.

I didn’t play any of the titles between that and Twilight Princess. I was one of the immature kids that kept saying Nintendo had turned Wind Waker into Blue’s Clues. Ironically enough, I sort of like the look of it now that I’m an adult. However, by time I first played Twilight Princess I had expected all my original problems to be gone. I would jump in the direction I wanted to, climbing up and down ladders would be easier and I’d actually grab that jar or other item instead of rolling right by it.

Almost a decade later and none of these problems were fixed.

As fun as Twilight Princess was, I had no problem with GameSpot giving it an 8.8. These were basic problems that every other major developer has long since gotten over, yet Nintendo hasn’t fixed them. How can ten years pass with no one on the development team saying “hey, trying to climb that ladder is a serious pain in the ass. Why don’t we increase the area of interaction to make it much less precise”? Or even “jumping into the lava isn’t fun, yet the only way to avoid it is to take several seconds to set Link and the camera up just right before going forward. How about fixing that somehow?”.

This is nothing to say that every tool you obtained was only useful inside of the dungeon you obtained it and then a few open world puzzles after. I don’t recall using the special new uberfied boomerang outside of the dungeon that I got it, making it feel pretty useless to have grabbed in the first place. Yet if you go all the way back to Link to the Past the hookshot becomes useful in each dungeon after. The boomerang is still used for a variety of puzzles throughout the game. Every tool is a valuable asset that becomes used in dungeons after, whereas Twilight Princess built dungeons around that labyrinth’s exclusive item and nothing more.

Yet I am not closed-minded to the series. I had an open mind when I sat down with Spirit Tracks at VGXPO. After playing a game like Overlord Minions I figured Nintendo would surely have the “touch-screen-only” controls mastered. Only they didn’t. In fact,the controls were infuriating because even Overlord Minions had been more intuitive. I had gotten used to slashing over an enemy and having the character walk to it automatically to attack, but Link merely swung at nothing like an idiot. The boss in the demo had a weakness that you had to hit so precisely that you could easily make a mistake and think your plan simply didn’t work. The room for mistakes was so great.

What enraged me was this is the second game Nintendo had made, meaning if any improvements were made they were few and far between.

What pisses me off about Zelda is the simple fact that Nintendo refuses to fix what is broken. Then the fans piss me off because these issues are completely overlooked.

“But Chris!” you cry, “How can you be forgiving of Too Human and be so critical of a Zelda game? Is it just because they are big and popular?”

Not at all, friend. See, Too Human was a first generation game of a new and interesting idea. I acknowledge its camera problems and that the controls don’t always do what I want them to do. But the game is still fun. Not shitty, but fun. Zelda is also fun despite its flaws, but what pisses me off is it is ten years away from being first generation. If you count Majora’s Mask then Twilight Princess is the fourth generation and still retains some fundamental problems. Spirit Tracks pissed me off not only because it was second generation, but because Overlord Minions controlled better. If anyone recalls, I didn’t exactly rate that game well.

Ocarina of Time gets the same break from me as I give Too Human, but by now all of the fundamental issues should have been taken care of. Yet they aren’t, and anyone that cries foul, such as GameSpot, is overrun by the complaints of fanboys that look at Zelda as some sort of religious idol. Somehow Nintendo can do no wrong with its franchise. It is always perfect. Even if it carries the same basic control issues it had back on the N64.

Zelda pisses me off because I expect better of Nintendo. There should be more people holding them to a higher standard for a franchise so beloved by many. Every major franchise has its faults, certainly, but for some reason Nintendo is given a free pass and everyone ignores the problems that persist. My rage doesn’t come from any actual hate for the game itself, but simply because I know Nintendo can do better.

Yet for some reason, they don’t.

*Concerning the image used for this article, I typically do not post such things. I hate gratuitous sexiness. However, outside of its obvious prodding of the male libido, it captures the true essence of this article. See, on the surface it’s a great experience! Yet two horrid facts will prove to piss anyone off. 1) She probably has a horse face, and 2) she’s probably jailbait. Thus a perfect metaphor for the Zelda franchise pissing me off. ...ok, and it’s a sexy looking picture. So sue me.

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